“Why Am I So Hard on Myself?” and 6 Tips to Stop It

Do you make mistakes sometimes?

I know that I do… all the time.

Sometimes when I do, it triggers frustration or even anger. When I’m not careful, it can even cause me to mentally put myself down. How could I be so stupid?

Why am I so hard on myself?

Could it be a normal thing that most humans do?

Do you remember the last time you were being hard on yourself? 

Perhaps you recently beat yourself up for a small mistake you made. You might have said something that made you feel stupid. Or you might be a perfectionist struggling to keep up with yourself.

Being hard on yourself is something almost everyone does.

But just because it’s a normal human thing to do, doesn’t mean it’s helpful. And if you do, you may wonder why life has to be so difficult.

Fortunately, there are some ways you can use to stop being so hard on yourself. And in this article, you will learn why it happens and how to stop it.

So let’s dive in!

Why Are You So Hard on Yourself?

This study shows that on average, women criticize themselves 8 times per day. And a whopping 89% of women said they will compliment someone else but not themselves.

Though the focus of this study is women if you’re a man reading this, can you relate? I certainly had periods in my life when criticizing myself only 8 times was a good day.

Criticizing happened in both the small and big things.

Small mistakes got much more attention than they deserved. Because you know what I realized? I don’t remember any of the small mistakes that are a month or further in the past.

That’s how small these mistakes are… 

So what about the big mistakes?

You know, the kind that makes you feel like a complete failure. 

Some of those mistakes I do remember. Some of these are also mistakes I regret. 

Though none of these mistakes made me a failure. Even though I punished myself for weeks at the time and thought it defined who I was. 

Instead, these mistakes have helped me grow and turned me into a better human being. Sometimes, you need to make big mistakes to learn. And you should be grateful for it.

You know that mistakes help you grow and that failures are merely stepping stones to success.

So why are you being so hard on yourself when it happens?

Let’s discover why.

Reason 1: Rising competition

Competition has always raised the bar higher and higher. 

In some settings, this is very healthy. Think about athletes and their sports, for example. Setting newer and better world records shows that there is no ceiling to what we can achieve.

But it’s not beneficial in all situations.

With the rise of the internet and social media, boundaries to enter any market are lower than ever before. This means you no longer compete only with the people in your town – but with the entire world.

For example, if you are a developer who lives in Los Angeles, that doesn’t mean you can get a job in Silicon Valley. Smart developers from all corners of the world compete for that spot.

But competition isn’t limited to jobs…

Think about what beauty means today. Yes, you may be the hottest guy or gal in town – but you compete with the ridiculous standards set by your social media feed now.

And if you compare yourself with the world, you’re never good enough.

Those who are at the top of the pyramid are even more scared because they’ve got shit to lose. 

Comparing yourself is one of the bigger reasons why you’re beating yourself up. 

Reason 2: Higher expectations 

More competition means higher expectations. 

A 40-hour workweek is no longer the same as it was before. Your boss expects you to come up with new ideas, become more productive, and work longer hours when necessary.

You might even expect that from yourself…

Since you compare yourself to the best of the world in anything and everything, it’s no wonder that you experience more stress. Perhaps you even set unrealistic expectations that no one could live up to.

If that’s your case, it’s no wonder that you’re being so hard on yourself.

Reason 3: The Trap of Perfection

If you want to compete in an ultra-competitive world, you have to be ‘perfect’. Or at least, you can expect to feel that way, right? 

It’s no surprise that studies show an increase in perfectionism, especially among younger generations. 

You don’t have to look far to see this happening.

Everyone looks to live perfect lives when you scroll through your Instagram feed. Though you know it’s only a snapshot of the best moment of someone’s day, unconsciously your brain gets the message that your life should be like that.

No wonder we try to live ‘perfect’ lives.

And though the promise of perfection sounds good, perfectionism paradoxically has the opposite effect of what you are trying to achieve. 

Because perfection is never reached. 

There is no limit to such a thing. There is always better and more. And when you never meet your expectations, you set yourself up for frustration. 

You might beat yourself up, lower your self-esteem, and get caught in a downward spiral. And that’s quite the opposite of what ‘perfection’ looks like, right?

Reason 4: Lower Self-Esteem

Higher expectations and the need for perfection reduce your self-esteem. And people with low self-esteem are much more likely to treat themselves harshly. 

You’re being hard on yourself, which only amplifies the negative emotions.

The consequence of low self-esteem is that you shy away from social situations and opportunities. People with low esteem are more likely to avoid challenges and experiences.

And that cycle repeats: Low self-esteem causes you to be harder on yourself, which further lowers your self-esteem.

Reason 5: Limiting Beliefs

Self-limiting beliefs can also affect how you view yourself.

This could tie very well together with the previous reasons. 

For instance, you may have some unrealistic expectations. And when these expectations aren’t met, you might verbally put yourself down. This may cause new self-limiting beliefs. 

When you don’t reach your expectations, you might say something like: see I couldn’t do it? I’m a failure… 

When a belief begins to form, you look for evidence to verify it. And you always find what you seek. 

If this is the reason why you are being so hard on yourself, then I recommend you check out this guide on self-limiting beliefs.

Practical Tips on How to Not Be So Hard on Yourself

Being hard on yourself negatively impacts many aspects of your life. 

But how can you stop it? 

First, it’s important to understand that it’s okay to not be okay.

When you understand that, you won’t feel the need to beat yourself up all the time. And this single thing will make your life more joyful too. 

Of course, this sounds easier in theory than it is in practice.

It requires some self-awareness so that you notice it when you’re being too hard on yourself. That’s not something you do overnight. But it’s something worth practicing.

The following tips will help you to do just that. 

Tip 1: Stop Comparing Yourself

Who cares that John earns more and has a bigger house, Charles sleeps with more girls, and your neighbor drives a car twice as expensive as yours?

Most people care.

The game of you comparing yourself to others has created trillion-dollar industries. It’s just simply what we do. 

But just because it’s normal doesn’t make it helpful.

While most people want freedom, they also enslave themselves through comparison.

You want what your neighbor has. You work harder to catch up. And even when you get through the ranks to a “higher” level in society, you start comparing yourself to other people too.

“The things you own end up owning you. – Tyler Durden, Fight Club

You have a problem when you do the stuff you do because you hope it will increase your status – not your happiness. 

So ask yourself this question: why do you do what you do?

Are you doing it because it makes you happy? Are you truly living on your terms? Or are you stuck in the rat race trying to prove something to the world?

The answer matters.

Find something that makes you feel good because it matters to you. When you no longer do things for external validation, you’ll notice that you’re more at peace with yourself.

Tip 2: Practice Acceptance

Say that you’re having a tough day at work. Your boss trusted you with an important project with a very tight deadline, and you can’t seem to make it.

You get angry at yourself. How could you fuck up something so important? What is your boss going to think about you? He will never trust you with another project again.

Is that true?

Unlikely, but perhaps yes.

Is it helpful to beat yourself up over this?

Definitely not. 

It’s not like beating yourself up is going to make anything better…

If anything, you only make matters worse. Instead of using your energy to come up with a solution, you’re too busy punishing yourself.

Mistakes happen.

Life happens.

And sometimes stuff just doesn’t go the way you want. There are only so many factors you can control.

You always have a choice though.

You have the choice to beat yourself up or to let go and accept what is.

Tip 3: Practice Gratitude

Gratitude practices come in many different ways. But there’s one that works very well for me in situations when I’m too hard on myself.

That’s to practice gratitude in the moment. 

Allow me to explain:

Let’s go back to the previous example in which you didn’t make a deadline. Your boss got upset but also understood the situation. It was a tough deadline after all. 

You drive home after that day and feel upset. 

How could you not reach that deadline? Why are you such a loser? What would your boss think about your capabilities? He probably thinks…

Suddenly, you notice that you’re putting yourself down. 

This is the moment to practice gratitude.

Ask yourself this question: what could you be grateful for right now?

Well, you could be grateful for getting that project in the first place. Isn’t it awesome that you were trusted with this job? That says a lot, doesn’t it?

Gratitude always lightens your feelings.

It’s one of the most powerful recipes against frustration and suffering.

So every time you notice that you’re being too hard on yourself, stop. And instead, take a moment to think about what you could be grateful for in that situation.

Of course, this sounds easier than it is. 

But the more you practice it, the more self-aware you become. And the better you become at catching yourself when you’re about to put yourself down.

Tip 4: Ask Yourself Better Questions

Why is an elephant orange?

Did you notice what just happened? Your focus was on elephants, whether you liked it or not. Maybe you became slightly angry because elephants aren’t orange.

That’s the power of questions. 

They can shift your focus in an instant.

But did you know that you ask yourself hundreds of questions every day? 

Forget about the ones that you speak out loud. Instead, think about all the unconscious questions you ask yourself. For instance, questions like why does this always happen to me?

Though you barely notice you ask yourself these questions, it has an impact. 

It directs the unconscious mind to focus on finding an answer.

Imagine person A, who often asks themselves the following questions:

• Why am I like this?
• Why can’t I do this?
• Why does this always happen to me?

And person B: 

• How can I grow and develop myself?
• How can I make this happen?
• What can I learn from this?

If you look at those questions, who do you think experiences a better quality of life?

Hopefully, you answered person B.

Though both people will come up with answers to the questions, there is a big difference. Because person B gets much more empowering answers.

Tip 5: Journaling

The problem with most self-improvement tips is that they’re easily forgotten. 

It’s not like you think about being grateful all the time for example. Especially not at those times when it matters most.

Or at least, that’s the case at the beginning. 

When you’re learning how to develop self-awareness.

The more you practice self-awareness, the better you become at catching yourself in the moment that you’re being too hard on yourself. 

But how do you develop self-awareness if it’s easy to forget to practice it?

That’s where journaling comes in handy.

Journaling forces you to sit and think about stuff. When you write about your day, for example, you have to organize your thoughts to make sentences.

Also, writing your thoughts down slows down the thought process. You simply can’t write as fast as you think. And slowing down that process forces you to think a little longer about each situation.

Check out this guide on journaling if you want to learn more.

Tip 6: Meditation

Sitting still with your thoughts is another way to become self-aware. 

With meditation, you focus your attention on a single point, like your breathing for example. When thoughts arise you don’t resist those, but observe them instead.

This process teaches you that thoughts arise no matter what. You can try to avoid it but the harder you resist, the faster thoughts arise. 

You also learn that you are not your thoughts. While we often get caught up in thoughts, you can simply let go and observe them instead.

Go try it for yourself.

Just become the observer of the thoughts that fly through your headspace.

There are many benefits of meditation. And one of these benefits is that this practice helps you to stop being so hard on yourself.

Final Words

Do you often ponder the question “Why am I so hard on myself?”.

Then I hope this article gave you the knowledge and tools to become more at ease with yourself.

But remember this: being hard on yourself happens.

It’s something that we do as humans.

But also remember that it doesn’t serve you. 

When you notice that you’re being hard on yourself, wonder why. Then wonder what you can be grateful for. 

Finally, remember that it’s okay to not be okay.

Life happens.

And you do the best you can do to navigate the world. 

Practice the tips in this article. Understand that self-mastery takes time and effort. But if you keep improving yourself, you’ll notice how the quality of your life improves as well.

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