Why Judging Others Reduces the Quality of Your Life and How to Stop It

Judging others…

We are all guilty of it. 

It’s part of our species. Naturally, you judge to assess situations for danger. You also use it to understand the intentions of the people you meet.

judgment is a survival instinct.

Yet, that doesn’t mean all judgment is helpful. What makes humans unique is that we also have the tools to question our primal instincts. To detach ourselves from the judgments we make.

You should not only do this for the good of the world…

…but also for the good of yourself.

Judging others isn’t a good human quality. But judging someone also invokes fear and breeds insecurity in yourself. It shrinks your comfort zone.

Why?

Because judging others makes you vulnerable to judgment from others. 

In this article, you learn exactly why judging others makes you feel insecure. And then, we dive into the tool so that you know how to stop judging people.

Let’s dive in!

Why Do People Judge Others?

judgment played an important role in the evolution of the human species. The difference between good or poor judgment could make a big impact…

You could be eaten by a tiger for example.

Or you could be killed by a hostile tribe.

judgment helps you to distinguish the good from the bad. Or at least, as much as possible. History also has plenty of examples with poor judgments.

Though predatory animals are easy to distinguish, people are not. It’s difficult to get a hold of someone’s intentions and to understand if they want to help you or not. 

So we developed a system to judge others.

Amy Cuddy describes two types of judgments that take place to assess how you view someone:

• Warmth: are they friendly and well-intended?
• Competence: can they deliver on their intentions?

This type of judgment is useful for survival.

But we judge people for other purposes as well. 

Ones that are much more harmful to yourself and others. 

For example, we judge others on the way they dress or look. We judge others for having different interests. And we judge others for their behavior. 

We know it hurts others when we do it.

So why do we do it?

Because it makes us feel like we are part of a group.

This also goes back to survival. Instinct tells us we need to be part of a group to survive. You need to belong somewhere. And the “us” versus “not us” paradigm plays a big role in that.

Status is a good example of that.

When you’re part of the popular kids in school, you belong to a group. But to stay part of the popular kids, there has to be a group that’s not popular, right?

Obviously, it’s not nice.

But surprisingly, it hurts everyone.

What Does It Mean to Judge Someone?

Judging others is easy.

And doing what’s easy in life is often not beneficial for the quality of it.

Here’s why:

judgment often comes from a place of insecurity. You judge others to lift yourself and make you appear bigger than you are. You keep up a facade that maybe works on the outside, but destroys you within. 

Here are some examples of judgments and what they mean:

• They dress like complete retards. Meaning: I’m insecure about my looks.
• He is fat, how dare he show up in the gym? Meaning: I’m insecure about my looks.
• He has a low IQ score so he is dumb. Meaning: I’m insecure about myac IQ and the more important qualities that I lack, like emotional intelligence. 

When you notice that you judge or shame others, ask yourself why.

Because it’s never about them.

Instead, it’s a projection that reveals how you feel about yourself. People who feel the need to judge others are insecure about themselves.

A confident person would never feel the need to put other people down. It’s just not what they do.

Worse yet, when you judge others, you become vulnerable to judgment from others too.

In other words: judging others induces fear and insecurity. 

I know, because I’ve done this in the past.

It doesn’t matter if you speak your judgments out or if you keep them for yourself. The more you put other people down to make yourself feel better, the further you trap yourself in fear and insecurity.

Doing what’s easy breeds misery.

Doing what’s hard plants the seed for personal success.

Being kind to others is hard. Accepting and appreciating people’s differences is hard. Disagreeing with people in a kind and loving way is hard. Understanding people who come from different backgrounds is hard.

But trying your best despite its difficulty makes your life better.

When you no longer feel the need to judge others, you are free.

How to Stop Judging Others

If judging others induces fear and breeds insecurity, you have a selfish reason to stop judging others. Besides the fact that being kind and altruistic is beneficial for everyone.

But how do you stop something you do by instinct?

How to become more confident and practice kindness and acceptance towards others?

The most important change has to happen internally. You need to become aware of when you judge and why you do it. Only then can you change it.

Step 1: Acceptance

There are two important steps you have to take before any change can happen.

The first is acceptance.

If you’re guilty of judging others, acknowledge it.

After you acknowledge it, you want to accept it. This is a hard step that most people try to avoid. And they try to do so in two popular ways:

1. Reasoning. It happened because… 
2. Get angry with yourself. Why am I such an idiot?

Both are ways to avoid responsibility and not accept what happened. So if you’re guilty of it, here’s a tip for you:

It’s okay to make mistakes. 

Understand that acceptance is a difficult step to take. But only when you accept the situation, do you hold the power to make change happen.

I know it’s hard because as an insecure teenager, I’ve struggled with this too. 

When I judged others I did it to feel better about myself, though I knew it was not okay. And because I knew it was not okay, I tried to validate my actions to myself. Unsurprisingly, it did not make me feel any better…

Only after I accepted full responsibility, was I able to peel a layer off my insecurity. 

Step 2: Identifying When You Judge Others

Once you accept that you do judge in some situations, you can now identify when you do it. 

Some people judge others on every detail they can find. Others are more selective in their judgment and only judge people for their appearance for example.

Identifying when you judge is a scary step.

It’s where you have to become honest and vulnerable to yourself. And you may not like it to reveal your flaws and insecurities. 

But it’s a necessary step to changing oneself.

Be brutally honest with yourself. You can make change happen once you do.

Step 3: Become Curious

Once you reveal the truth to yourself, you could do two things. 

You can either beat yourself up and get mad. But that’s only going to make matters worse and won’t solve the judgment problem. 

Instead, do the other thing.

Distance yourself from your judgment and become curious about it.

• Why do you feel the need to judge?
• How do you feel when you judge?
• What happens when you judge?
• How would you feel if you didn’t judge?
• How does judging others help you?
• How does judging others not help you?

Did you notice how open these questions are? Most people never ask themselves the question like “how does judging others help you”. They assume to know the answer: it doesn’t help anyone.

But that might not be true.

Perhaps it helps you because you feel protected and part of a group when you do it. And there are many other reasons why it could have some benefit in the short-term.

Curiosity is the key element to dismantling yourself.

Without self-judgment try to understand where your judgment is coming from.

Step 4: Decide Who You Want to Become

We often judge others because we want to be part of a group.

But ask yourself this:

If you feel the need that you have to judge others to become part of a group, is that the group you want to be a part of?

Loneliness might be a better alternative.

Here’s why:

When you keep judging others to be part of a group, this also closes you to any new opportunities. Especially the better opportunities.

Also, you won’t flock well with people that don’t judge. They will either see through your insecurity or simply don’t want to hang around those who feel the need to judge others.

Judging others keeps you in a bubble that doesn’t serve you nor others.

So the more reason you have to become self-aware and stop judging others – even if you’re terrified to feel lonely for a brief moment.

Decide what person you want to become. 

Then be courageous enough to act on that, even if it means short-term discomfort, like loneliness.

Step 5: Making Change

The key ingredients to changing your behavior are self-awareness, responsibility, and a personal vision.

And that’s exactly what the first four steps helped you with. 

But here’s a reminder for you: though this article is short, the process of gaining self-awareness is much longer. It might take you days, weeks, or even months to see and understand yourself. It takes consistent and deliberate practice – but it’s worth your effort.

Once you get that self-awareness, you can also better manage yourself. After all, you can only manage what you understand. 

And when you do, making change becomes the easiest step.

If you’re still struggling, here are some tips:

• Use a journaling practice to consistently practice self-awareness
• Use sticky notes to remind yourself to practice awareness
• Ask yourself different questions to get better answers
• Meditate to gain different insights
• Or if you’re ready for it, ask for feedback from others

Practice will give you the insights you need to make a change.

Closing Thoughts

Judging others is something everyone does every once in a while.

And it happens automatically.

Yet, most people never learn to control themselves. They feel the need to talk down to others to lift themselves.

That’s the type of judgment you want to watch out for. 

Because not only will you shoo away good people and great opportunities, you will also induce fear and insecurity. It makes your world smaller.

judgment hurts yourself and others.

The recipe?

Honest self-reflection and deliberate practice to become self-aware. And though this article described 5-steps to do so, it’s a process that takes time. But it’s a journey worth traveling.

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