How to Deal with Unrealistic Expectations

Do you have unrealistic expectations for yourself?

You are not alone. Expectations have been on the rise throughout the past decades.

And though expectations can motivate you into action, unrealistic ones can have the exact opposite effect. And what often starts as a small disappointment can lead to much worse. 

Fortunately, there are some simple solutions to deal with unrealistic expectations.

Whether it’s the expectations you place on yourself, the expectations from others, or even the expectations you have of others, you can learn how to manage it. 

And that’s what you will learn in this article.

So let’s dive in!

What are Expectations?

Expectations are the strong beliefs you hold for what should happen. And if you experience expectations from others, it’s what they believe should happen.

A belief is quite strong, which makes it different from an aspiration.

When you have aspirations, you desire to have something. When you have expectations, you expect with a high degree of certainty that it will happen.

There are three separations to make:

• Self-expectations: the expectations you place on yourself. For example, you may devote your time and energy to your job and expect a promotion in return for your effort.
• Expectations from others: you will experience these expectations in various ways. For instance in your career. Or maybe your parents expect you to do something that pays well. 
• Expectations of others: though others have expectations from you, vice versa it’s often also true. For example, if you have high self-expectations, you often expect a lot from others too. 

Having expectations isn’t a bad thing. 

Most people feel inspired by having the right expectations that they can live up to. Goal setting works like that too. You set achievable expectations and these inspire you to take action and improve the quality of your life. 

However, unrealistic expectations have the exact opposite effect.

How Unrealistic Expectations Impact You

When an expectation isn’t met, it can cause enormous disappointment, frustration, and even resentment.

And unfortunately, unrealistic expectations are quite common. 

Maybe it has to do with this piece of research which shows that perfectionism is on the rise. Technology is a factor in this rise. Although it connects the world, it also raises the bar for everyone. 

Social media is a great example of this.

Many people use filters and photoshop techniques to hide anything that seems imperfect. We are so obsessed with the number of likes we get, that we won’t post anything that doesn’t meet a specific set of criteria. 

Can we agree that there are some unrealistic expectations because of it?

When you can no longer meet those expectations, the disappointment impacts how you feel about yourself. It affects your thoughts, feelings, and emotions, causing you to experience a lower quality of life.  

So how can you deal with it?

Managing Personal Expectations

Before we dive into managing expectations, it’s good to understand that not all expectations are bad. It’s okay to raise the bar a little for yourself, as long as it’s somewhat reasonable.

And even setting unrealistic expectations might not hurt you all that much. Maybe you’ve got a very flexible personality and are okay with how your life unfolds.

So what are some indications that your unrealistic expectations are doing you more harm than good?  

Here’s a list that may indicate that you are too hard on yourself:

• You often criticize yourself
• You set unattainable goals for yourself
• You are often upset with yourself
• You are fixating on small details
• You only feel good when you succeed
• Or you only feel good with praise from others

If you experience any of the items listed above, you may have unrealistic expectations for yourself.

The good thing?

Self-expectations are within your control. 

And here are 3 simple strategies for managing your unrealistic expectations:

• Let go of the need to be perfect. It’s okay to make mistakes. A tip from Gary Vaynerchuk is to not listen to anyone else’s opinions. But here’s the trick: that includes both the praise you get as well as the bad opinions and criticism. 
• Stop comparing yourself to others. Who cares that Johny makes 20 grand more a year? The more important question is if you are happy doing what you do. If not, it’s time to stop comparing yourself to the neighbor and instead, focus on what makes you happy. 
• Stop judging yourself. Everyone gets upset with themselves once in a while. But next time it happens to you, don’t let it drag you down. Judging yourself won’t make anything better. Instead, keep reading because the last tip in this article will help you to overcome self-judgment.

Remember that these tips sound easy, but take a lot of time to master. And though you will fail many times throughout life, the trick is to get back up every time and keep trying. 

Dealing with High Expectations from Others

Managing the expectations of others might seem more tricky to do. Especially if it’s the people that are closest to you, like your parents.

What are some signs that you might experience unrealistic expectations from others?

• You feel pressure from others
• You feel like you have to be perfect
• Feeling like you’re not being yourself
• Experiencing resentment towards others

When you try to live up to the unrealistic expectations of others, you’re not living on your terms. It’s not a good strategy to make yourself happier and may even cause resentment later on in life.

So how can you deal with this?

• Ignore both praise and criticism. This tip from Gary Vaynerchuk helps you to navigate external expectations. Even when it comes from your mom, you want to (figuratively) put your fingers in both ears and not listen to them. The reason why you don’t want to listen to praise is that if you do, you also become vulnerable to criticism. Instead, get inside your cocoon and listen to what your heart tells you to do.
• Their expectations have nothing to do with you. Other people’s expectations come from their own insecurity and this has nothing to do with your life. Understand that only you can decide how to live your life the best way, not anyone else.
• Expect unrealistic expectations. The world is full of people telling others how they should live their life. The funny thing is that they’ve rarely got their life figured out either. Yet, while almost no one has their life figured out, somehow everyone has an opinion about others. When you expect unreasonable expectations from others, you’ll find it much easier to shake them off.
• Surround yourself with good people. You may not always be able to get rid of those who expect a lot from you. But you can always surround yourself with like-minded people and spend more time with them.
• Stop judging others. When you judge others and set high expectations for them, you become vulnerable to theirs too. When you can let go of any judgments you hold, you also set yourself free.

Navigating High Expectations of Others

If you hold high expectations of yourself, chances are that you expect a lot from others too. And though this can be inspiring to some degree, there is a fine line at which it becomes counterproductive or even toxic. 

Unrealistic expectations may cause your relationships to suffer and you might push people away. And when you feel like they’re not living up to your expectations, you may feel worse too.

Here are some signs to watch out for:

• You feel like you’re always right
• You think everyone should agree with you
• You want others to be like you
• You think everyone understands you

The beauty of life is that everyone has a different opinion about how things work. And what is a priority to you might not even come close to a priority for someone else.

Though having expectations of others is healthy to a degree, make sure you’re not expecting anything unrealistic. Understand how people are different from you.

Here are some tips:

• Stop trying to change others. It’s just not going to happen. Though you may inspire others so that they want to change, external pressure never works. Instead, setting unrealistic expectations will have the opposite effect.
• Focus on changing yourself. We overestimate how much influence we have over others. Instead, why not use that energy to focus on changing yourself? It’s much easier to do and surprisingly has a better effect on those around you too. 
• Let it go. When you notice that you’re pressuring others, let it go. You’re not going to change anything with force and will only end up hurting yourself and others. Instead, let go of any unrealistic expectations and focus on yourself.

Unconsciously, you will always have expectations of others. Realize that not everyone shares the same values you do. When you become aware of this, you’ll enable yourself to better manage your unrealistic expectations.

So what if it’s your partner? The important thing in a relationship is communication. If you feel like you’re no longer on the same page, talk about it. Often a good conversation will help you to talk it out and level expectations.

The Best Tip for Managing Unrealistic Expectations

The best way to manage any unrealistic expectations is through gratitude.

Practicing gratitude is a good strategy to dissolve any anxiety and resentment you experience. 

Often when people talk about an anxiety practice it’s about a practice that you do once in the morning or before going to bed. For me, none of that stuff works. 

Instead, what works is practicing gratitude when I feel upset or resent someone at the moment.

Next time you feel upset or frustrated, think about what you can be grateful for. When you practice gratitude at such moments, you quickly feel how you relieve yourself from those heavy feelings.

Let me know how you experience it.

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Some related articles to check out:

• How to become more self-aware?
• How to find and live your purpose?
• How to better manage yourself?