11 Ways to Stop Seeking External Validation

Are you tired of needing constant approval to feel good? But do you struggle to break free from social pressure and the shackles of external validation?

You’re not alone.

For years, I feared rejection and had minimal results with girls. In addition, I lacked direction for my life and pursued the conventional path to a good life… studying finance. 

But I quickly learned that this path wasn’t my jam.

However, I didn’t know what else to do, and after a long struggle, I graduated.

But that led to a new crossroad:

• Get a career in finance, earn good bucks and buy a nice car–but always live up to expectations and never live a fulfilling life.
• Or break the pattern and use my small savings to travel.

I choose the latter.

It’s the first time I broke the exhausting cycle of validation-seeking behavior. And it felt very empowering.

Although I still had no clue what to do, I knew what I didn’t want: regretting that I never took a chance on myself.

Sounds familiar?

Seeking external validation restricts personal freedom.

Fortunately, some simple tools and strategies exist to break that pattern – for good. It only requires commitment on your part.

Let’s dive in!

What is external validation exactly?

External validation means you need other people’s recognition, attention, or approval to feel more confident, worthy, and successful. 

As a result, you say and do things to please others rather than expressing your true self.

Here are some examples of approval-seeking behavior:

• Saying what you know others want to hear.
• Maximizing your content for likes on social media.
• Boasting about your high grades and achievements.
• Needing others to tell you that you’re smart or beautiful.
• Judging strangers based on how they look or act.
• Constantly comparing yourself to others.

So, how’s that different from internal validation?

Internal validation vs external validation

Internal validation means determining your self-worth based on internal motivation instead of external factors.

Examples of self-validation include:

• Sharing your genuine thoughts, opinions, and ideas because you care more about pure self-expression than being liked.
• Creating and sharing content and ideas that are meaningful and interesting to you – not to maximize likes or comments.
• Striving for high grades because you want to live up to your full potential – not to prove how smart you really are.
• Understanding and appreciating your strengths and weaknesses – not seeking affirmation on how perfect you are.
• Comparing yourself to who you were yesterday – and looking at others to gain inspiration for what’s possible.

Internal validation is a healthier approach to living.

So, is external validation bad?

Everyone loves a compliment. 

And while external validation itself isn’t harmful, attaching your self-worth to the validation of others is disastrous.

You see – you are you.

And they are them.

Meaning: if someone praises you, it ONLY reflects them.

But it says NOTHING about you.

For example, if you like my shirt, it tells me more about you than me.

Of course, you could say that if most people like your work, then it’s good or valuable. And that would be a fair statement.

But that’s only part of the picture.

Let’s say I create hyper-specific content, like paintings of zombie cats. 

Now, I would alienate almost everyone – except those who love zombies and cats. They’ll love those creations.

And they become raving fans.

External validation ONLY tells you that someone else likes or dislikes what you do. They either share or don’t share an interest, value, belief, or idea.

That’s not just true for zombie cat pictures…

It also counts for beauty and attraction. 

For who and what you like.

And the kind of businesses you want to work for or collaborate with.

Allowing external validation to guide your effort means you seek to please the masses. And that’s a recipe for average results.

Making decisions to please the masses, a.k.a. seeking external validation, only leads to mediocrity – not greatness.

Be willing to be different instead.

Then why do we seek validation from others?

We all know that being part of a group is essential for a fulfilling life, even for introverts like myself.

No one likes to stand alone.

We crave belonging and often put the needs of others above our own. 

At the cost of your true self.

Although doing things for others isn’t a bad thing – if it’s genuine. But if you seek validation in return, you didn’t really do it for others, right?

Seeking approval for your efforts is just a transaction.

There’s nothing wrong with providing value and genuine care. But when you seek validation in return, it only increases anxiety and resentment, affecting your happiness and fulfillment.

Are you seeking constant approval?

While we all seek validation from others to an extent, the more you can detach your self-worth from it, the more authentic and free you become.

But how much are you entangled in this web?

Here are the most common symptoms:

• Prioritizing external validation over inner exploration.
• Comparing yourself to others instead of who you were yesterday.
• Using social media metrics to measure your self-worth.
• Struggling to set boundaries to avoid disappointing people.
• Craving constant praise and recognition for the work you do.
• Lacking goals and struggling with the direction of your life.
• Fearing change and seeking to maintain the status quo.
• Reacting strongly to feedback, both positive and negative.
• Fearing rejection and worrying that you’ll be alone – forever.
• Lacking self-acceptance and talking down on yourself.
• Seeking approval to act instead of taking charge.
• Feeling misunderstood and victimizing yourself.
• Pleasing others at the cost of your need.
• Neglecting personal values and beliefs.

Most people identify with some of these points and can point out a recent example. Few are untouchable by external validation.

How many validation-seeking behaviors do you identify with? 

Take your time to think about some examples of the recent past.

After all, awareness is the first step in learning…

How to stop seeking validation?

The cure to stop needing constant approval from others is simple: 

Become confident in your own skin.

But what’s simple can be challenging.

Here are some ways to let go of the need for validation and start living on your own terms.

#1: Stop comparing yourself to others

It’s a simple tip – but often overlooked.

Stop. Comparing. Yourself. To. Others.

Instead, compare yourself to who you were yesterday. Or a year ago, if that makes the comparison easier.

After all, you are you.

And they are them…

I’m not saying anything groundbreaking… but it’s hard to live by it. 

We often subconsciously compare ourselves to others.

Here’s a personal example:

For years, I’ve been trying to improve my handstand. And I looked up to those who achieved it within months, who then continue to perform impressive feats like one-arm handstand pushups.

It’s disappointing to compare my turtle pace to that.

What’s wrong with me?

And I could easily throw the towel in the ring.

However, over the years, I’ve learned to only compete with myself – not them. Use others as a source of inspiration instead.

Let them set the bar for what’s humanly possible.

Comparing yourself to others is a losing game because you’ll ALWAYS find someone richer, stronger, smarter, or more beautiful.

So, only compare yourself to who you were yesterday.

#2: Ignore the critics – and cheerleaders

Here’s what to do if you want to detach your self-worth from external validation:

Ignore both compliments and criticism.

Of course, you should be grateful and say thank you when someone praises you.

But know that positive and negative comments are ways to express oneself. So again, it only reveals the perspective of the commenter.

And it says NOTHING about you.

Entrepreneur Gary Vaynerchuk uses this method to gain resilience to online haters. While he appreciates positive and negative feedback, he won’t allow any of it to validate his self-worth.

Specifically not the positive stuff.

Because when you attach your self-worth to compliments, you make yourself vulnerable to negativity too.

Instead, say thank you and move on.

Stick your fingers in your ears and allow no piece of external validation to influence your self-worth.

#3: Self-discovery enables self-validation

You can only live your best life if you know yourself, what you value, and what’s most meaningful.

While that may sound obvious, many struggle with self-awareness.

One of the reasons is that people tend to think binary. Yes and no. But self-discovery is more like a volume button than a light switch. 

Becoming self-aware isn’t a one-time thing.

Far from it…

Self-discovery is the continuous act of exploring the outer world and internalizing your experiences to learn about yourself.

It’s a lifelong process.

But a very rewarding one.

And you can start anywhere, from trying a new sport to learning a new skill to exploring an interest. Some other good places to start?

• Clarify your core values
• Discover your personal strengths
• Identify your purpose in life
• Find new passions

These insights enable you to craft your own journey and shun the need for external validation.

#4: Practice self-acceptance

Without self-acceptance, there’s no self-validation.

And here’s what worked for me.

No matter how big the failure or how dumb the thing I said was, I learned to ask myself: did I come from a place of good intent?

It’s much easier to forgive good-intended mistakes.

And if they came from ill or selfish intent? Then I would make a personal note and seek to avoid it from happening again. 

After all, self-acceptance doesn’t mean you’re perfect.

Nor does it mean that you’re good enough, which contradicts popular personal development advice. If you’re not happy about yourself or your circumstances, that’s okay.

You can accept that.

But rather than buttering yourself up, use dissatisfaction and desire as a launchpad for self-development.

Accept where you’re at today. Appreciate your experiences and the lessons learned from it. And then take personal responsibility to improve yourself and your circumstances.

#5: Build self-confidence

Low self-esteem loves approval from others.

And having some confidence is essential to become the authority of your own life. It provides control and empowers independent decision-making.

The problem?

Self-confidence comes from taking action, making mistakes, and bouncing back from failures and setbacks. And the paradox is that we wait until we’re confident enough to act. 

It’s the story of the chicken and the egg. 

But in this case, discomfort comes before comfort.

• Fear of online rejection? Post something every day.
• Approach anxiety? Approach people daily.
• Fear public speaking? Speak in public often.

That’s the fastest way.

An easier approach is to start with manageable tasks, like:

• Posting online under a different alias. 
• Saying hi to strangers on the street. 
• Or learn public speaking by talking into the mirror or a camera first.

Either way, the trick is to do it often.

Consistently getting outside your comfort zone is the secret to building layers over layers of self-confidence.

#6: Share your thoughts, opinions and ideas

External validation keeps you in a bubble preventing you from sharing your genuine thoughts, opinions, and ideas.

How will others react?

What if you say something dumb?

Your fears are valid. 

After all, not everyone will agree with you 100% of the time. And it’s guaranteed to say something stupid if you speak up often enough.

Those are merely the consequences of being yourself – just like making mistakes is the consequence of taking action.

But flip that around for a second.

What are the consequences of inaction and not speaking up?

• You provide zero value to anyone.
• You learn less and fall behind with a passive attitude.
• And you let yourself down, wondering, “What if…”.

You choose your consequences.

Pick wisely.

#7: Reflect on the past

Your core beliefs are an automatic system that partly helps in your decision-making processes. But unfortunately, not all beliefs are beneficial or useful.

Self-limiting beliefs impact your ability to succeed.

But to change your limiting beliefs, you must first become aware of those holding you back. And frequent self-reflection is a powerful way to gain awareness.

Often ask yourself questions like:

• What are recurring negative thoughts?
• What do you believe about yourself that holds you back?
• In what areas of your life do you consistently doubt yourself?
• What fears or doubts arise when you’re outside your comfort zone?
• Which behavioral patterns or habits hinder your progress?
• In what areas do you constantly compare yourself to others?
• When do you experience fear and inadequacy the most?
• What’s your perspective on success, money, and wealth? 

Having a daily or weekly self-reflection practice will help you stop seeking external validation in every aspect of your life.

At the same time, don’t forget to…

#8: Reflect on your victories

Do you relentlessly punish yourself for even the smallest mistakes?

I know I did – and still occasionally do.

Here’s what helps: Celebrate your smallest wins.

What great things have you already accomplished?

Come up with at least five achievements right now.

It’s a simple psychology trick that gives you a more positive frame of mind. Every time you achieve another win, make sure you add it to your mental library.

Include simple victories like making your bed and sticking to tiny habits like working out and drinking enough water.

Celebrate your smallest wins.

#9: Surround yourself with uplifting people

You want people around that empower you to be authentic, support you in your future vision, and encourage you to pursue personal goals.

Those are your real friends.

Unfortunately, many people may hold you back because they fear losing you if you transform yourself.

For example, if you smoke weed with your buddy and you decide to quit, that’s inconvenient for your friend, who now has three options:

1. To change with you.
2. To keep smoking and accept that the current relationship will change or, at least, feel different.
3. Or to guilt trip you to keep smoking together like you’ve always done.

The third option isn’t a great friend.

Yet, that’s what many people opt for in those situations.

So what do you do on such occasions?

I’ve learned that pleasing them only leads to resentment. Instead, being willing to let them go is the path to fulfillment.

That doesn’t mean turning your back on them.

But you should be okay to lose those who hold you back from pursuing your dreams. While you can keep the door open, if they close it on you, be willing to let them go.

Reduce the time spent around those who hold you back. 

And instead, use your time and energy to connect and build relationships with people on a similar journey to you.

#10: Listen to your gut

Your gut is often stronger than your logic.

For example, say you’re in school, and all your friends go study at college X. And while X has a study you like, college Y provides the career path you want to pursue.

Your mind tells you to stick with your friends. To stay with what’s familiar. And to not risk losing everything you’ve built up over the years.

But your gut tells you to pursue your destiny.

What do you do?

Following your gut is risky.

But not exploring those feelings is even riskier and has a high chance of leaving you wondering “what if”. 

Although there’s no right or wrong answer, ask yourself the hard questions. Consider the consequences. And then decide.

But following your gut is often a good choice, especially when it feels scary or uncomfortable.

#11: Set meaningful goals

Goal-setting provides direction, which increases your focus and reduces your vulnerability to external influences.

In other words, set some personal goals.

It can be anything – as long as it interests you.

Your goals don’t have to be perfect.

And they may change over time.

But at least make sure you have some goals for yourself, including:

• What do you want to achieve?
• Who do you want to become?
• What places would you like to visit?
• What would you like to experience?
• And what skills would you like to learn?

The key to finding validation within yourself

The simple answer? 

Pursue personal growth.

Nothing has transformed my life more than self-development. It has been the single most valuable and transformative journey.

And I’m sure you’ll benefit from it too.

But self-improvement takes time… 

And most people look for quick hacks to short-cut their problems.

Do you?

In that case, here’s a quick hack for you: face your fears.

Whenever you experience fear, persist through it.

Every. 

Single. 

Time.

Don’t let any fearful opportunity go to waste. In fact, pursue the edges of your comfort zone intentionally and often.

The fastest way to stop seeking external validation is to seek fear and discomfort with a big smile.

Not easy – but very effective.

And if you want FAST results, that’s the way.

What’s next?

Consistent action helps you to be a more confident version of yourself. So, the key is practicing the tips often.

Do that, and you’ll see massive results. 

I can guarantee that your need for validation will decrease as you grow and develop more confidence. While it may never disappear completely, it will lose its power and unlock freedom.

Final takeaways:

• Become obsessed with growth – not perfection.
• Create your own direction by setting personal goals.
• Provide value because you care, not in exchange for validation.

Ready for a deep dive? Check out this list of the best books for self-esteem. And if you really want to get to the next level, enroll in one of the best self-confidence courses.

Shun external validation for good

Do you want to become super-confident in your own skin?

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