If you’re struggling with yourself and feel frustrated because of it, you’re not alone.
For years I’ve tried to cope with frustration. And every time it seemed to get better, I somehow found a way to sabotage myself.
I’ve tried many popular recipes for dealing with negative emotions.
Getting drunk to feel more secure. Playing video games to distract me and disconnect from my feelings. And trying to make a quick buck in Poker so that I could sustain a lifestyle of distractions.
And these methods worked. But only for the short-term.
Because when I wasn’t distracted, the frustration came back. The negative emotions grew worse over time. It felt helpless.
Not only that did I become more frustrated with myself, but I also became more frustrated with others too. Especially as I started to take everything personally.
The future looked bleak.
And it was only after I started to understand emotions, that I realized that I was in control. I had the power to change the meaning behind the emotion.
Instead of focusing on everything outside myself, I started to develop a better mindset.
When I started to understand my emotions, I regained control over my inner world.
Instead of distracting myself, I faced the issues. Because negative emotions are your action signals. And when you act on these emotions, you’ll become more confident.
But what now seems obvious, wasn’t so obvious for a long time.
That’s why you’ll learn the basic foundation for emotional self-awareness, that I helped me along my journey.
Let’s dive in!
Why Emotions are More Important than Ever
The world has changed.
And understanding emotions isn’t only helpful to your happiness. It’s a necessity to achieve more success in today’s world.
Travis Bradberry, the author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, observed the power of emotional intelligence in the workforce. And what he discovered was that 90% of all top performers display high emotional intelligence, versus only 20% of all bottom performers.
What this means is that emotional mastery increases your chances of becoming a more respected leader in your field and getting into higher-paid positions.
Because although a high IQ benefits you in your craft, if you want to keep moving up, you inevitably have to become better at dealing with people.
No matter if you’re a freelancer, entrepreneur, or employee, emotional intelligence matters.
Another respected man in the field of emotion is Daniel Goleman, author of several of the best books about emotional intelligence. He concluded that there are 5 sub-areas of emotional intelligence:
- Emotional awareness of oneself
- Managing your emotions
- The ability to self-motivate
- Empathy
- Handling relations (acting upon empathy)
If you’re looking to become the best version of yourself, these 5 areas must become a part of your growth strategy.
If you lack emotional intelligence, as I did, you’ll enjoy starting with the first area that focuses on self-awareness.
And that starts by understanding the next question.
What are Emotions?
Emotions are signals. Positive emotions tell you that you should do more of what you’re doing. Negative emotions are your action signals that something needs to change.
You experience about 400 emotions every single day.
And when you become self-aware of these, it can help you to navigate your life.
Especially managing negative emotions.
Because when you neglect the message behind negative emotions, you set yourself up for frustration.
And when you keep distracting yourself from that experience often, it leads to suffering.
Fortunately, you’ve got the power to change that.
And understanding emotions is key if you want to improve your self-management skills.
Understanding the Basic Components of Emotion
Understanding how an emotion happens is a great first step in becoming more aware.
Research shows that there are 4 steps that trigger an emotional response.
- You experience an event (subjectively);
- Your mind labels this event;
- The label triggers a physiological response;
- And this triggers a behavior.
First, you experience an event. This often happens through one or multiple of your senses. Although we also have the ability to visualize events through thought.
Your mind then labels this event, based on your personal view of the world. How the world works or should work, determines how you experience the event.
Someone growing up in poverty often has a different view of the world versus someone who grew up rich. And they can experience the same event, yet have a different perspective of the event.
The label then triggers a feeling and response in the body. This is the response that you experience, like the feeling that your stomach is spinning.
Then follows the action. The action that you take depends on the emotional intensity of the steps factors above.
Understanding this chain is important because it reveals a few levels on which you can interfere. And that gives you the tools to manage your emotions more effectively.
3 Steps to Managing Your Emotions
Understanding emotion is the first step to emotional mastery. But to transform your negative emotions into happiness, you must learn to manage these emotions.
First, you have to become aware of your emotions. Which ones do you experience often and what triggers those?
The next step is to understand the meaning behind the emotion.
And when you understand the meaning behind your emotion, you can decide the kind of action that’s required, if any.
Let’s dive into the steps.
Step 1: Emotional Awareness
You’re already aware of the components that make the emotional experience. And that’s a great foundational layer of knowledge.
But for the real deal, you’ve to do the reps.
You see, mastering your emotions is like building muscles. The more you work them out, the more benefit you’ll see.
And in my experience, there are 2 methods that stand out for this: journaling and meditation.
Start with a short journaling practice every day. At the end of each day, write about how you felt. And more importantly, why you felt that way.
Did you experience peak moments? And what triggered these moments?
In the beginning, this may feel a bit weird. And perhaps you don’t know what or why you felt a certain way. And that’s fine!
Because the habit matters here. When you do this more frequently, you’ll get better at this. And that’s when you’ll notice the impact of this practice on your life.
The same goes for meditation.
Because mindfulness is a great way to increase self-awareness.
If you’re starting out, 2 to 5 minutes can help you to get into the habit of meditation. Eventually, 20 minutes a day is the most optimal. But if you can only do a couple of minutes, that’s much better than zero.
Step 2: Understand the Meaning
Curiosity helps you to understand emotions. So try to become curious about the emotion you experience.
What signal is it trying to give you?
Once you know the answer, try to dig a little deeper by seeking to understand why you get that signal. This is important information to decide whether taking action is necessary.
There are a couple of frameworks that can help you to understand your emotions.
Psychologist Rober Plutchik created the wheel of emotions. The wheel illustrates the different types of emotions and how they’re connected.
Use this wheel as a guide to your inner exploration.
I recommend you explore the meaning behind the emotions by yourself first. But if you feel the need for more guidance, then this article explains the 6 types of basic emotions.
Step 3: Managing Your Emotions
When you’re aware of your emotions and you understand the underlying message, it’s time to take action.
In my experience, there isn’t an action that’s applicable to everyone. Everyone deals with negative emotions in a different way.
That’s why self-awareness and self-reflection are so important. When you get into the habit of journaling and meditation, you get a better understanding of yourself and how you’re wired.
And through those practices, you’ll learn how you should deal with your emotions.
Not every emotion is a cue for action. It’s natural that you feel upset when you lose your job. But if you feel upset for months, then you might want to take action.
Other emotions can be very difficult to handle. Especially those caused by traumatic events. In that case, I recommend you check in with a professional. They can offer great guidance to get you back on track. And btw, seeking help is a strength, not a weakness. Because it requires a tremendous amount of courage and self-awareness.
Bonus Step: Mastering Your Emotions
Finally, I want to mention an extra approach to mastering your emotions. Because Tony Robbins, from whom I’ve learned a lot about my emotions, created the following approach:
- Identify the emotion
- Acknowledge that it’s there
- Become curious about the message
- Understand that you can deal with it
- Get certain that you can handle it today and in the future
- Take action
Combining these 6 ways with the 3-step approach in this article, and you’ll be on your way to mastery in no time. You can check out Tony’s 6-step approach here.
A Final Note on Emotions
I can tell you that mastering your emotions isn’t difficult. But it takes time and practice to become self-aware.
And that’s a bold statement from someone who has been struggling with frustration for a long time.
Yet, most people give up because they don’t see results fast enough. But if you make this a daily practice for the next 2 months, I’m very positive that you’ll see results.
The best way to start right away? Meditation and journaling (use these self-reflection questions, for example). Another great way is by changing your self-limiting beliefs because of the impact these have on how you feel most of the time.
For further reading on these topics, I do recommend the following resources:
- Book: Unlimited Power & Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins
- This entire list on the best books about emotional intelligence
- Best guided journals to try out
When you become more aware of your emotions, you start to see these in others too. It’s the foundation for empathy.
No matter what field you’re in, emotional intelligence is one of the most critical skills you can learn in life.
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